I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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