so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
