my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
