Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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