guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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