The beer is more important than you right now.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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