Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
