Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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