When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
