apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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