two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
