FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
