I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
