Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
