My balls are so social today.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
