I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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