If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i need some magic done to my vagina
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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