Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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