I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
