he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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