4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
