life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize