i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
