my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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