you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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