At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
