you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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