Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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