I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
