so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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