my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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