swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
