i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
