Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
