i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
