Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
