Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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