Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
