im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
