I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I love you. Go after that dick
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
