I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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