i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
