They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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