but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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