I am spending my child support on dildos
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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