chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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