Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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