he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
