i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dick very happy bro
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
