nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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