That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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