My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
