why didn't you poke me back
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
