Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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