john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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