we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
