i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
