Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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